P.A.N.I.C!

A Ninja disguised as a businessman.

In 1972, the Ninja influence on the East Coast had achieved monumental proportions. Ninjas, through their dark secrets and beguiling techniques, had gained almost total control over the infrastructure of the Eastern seaboard.

Even now, Ninja forces tighten their stranglehold on major businesses, governments, and school systems; Ninjutsu is taught as a required class in grades K-7, under the auspices of Physical Education.

Local politicians have fallen under their evil control, and consort with them to keep their influence a secret; Mayor Giuliani of New York said: "Get out of my face, there’s no such thing as Ninjas!" and then struck the inquirer with a pair of nunchaka hidden in his suit jacket. When questioned, Strom Thurmond remarked: "I don’t remember-AACK," and died, as a razor sharp shuriken embedded itself in his chest, thrown by Ninja assassins sent to protect their dark secret.

A shuriken-wielding Ninja.

A typical Tibetan yak.

Meanwhile, in California, politicians denied that the threat of Ninja infestation in California exists. Governor Pete Wilson is reported as saying, in May 1983: "The day Ninjas invade California is the day yaks tap-dance in my mammy’s drawers." Well, look out Mother Wilson!

P.A.N.I.C! was able to convince an ex-Ninja to give us an interview. He told us that Ninjas are trained from the day they can walk; he learned to wield a sword at the age of six and first killed a man at eleven. After the age of 21, his Ninja career declined as a result of allowing a victim to see his face; this is taboo among the Ninjas, and his fellows attempted to kill him. He escaped heroically , and came to us in the hope of self-gain and getting back at them. Although we took every precaution, Ninjas warriors were able to infiltrate our studio and attack and kill him. We were able to recover the film only after an intense search through the charred remains of our film studio.

In Concord, California, a Ninja training facility is openly operated and actively engaged in the corruption of California’s youth. P.A.N.I.C! went undercover to expose the heinous methods used by these brutal taskmasters.

One of the most insidious plots of the Ninjas is the propaganda contained in the television program "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." At a very young age, Californians are bombarded with images portraying the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as "good Ninjas" who fight against evil and corruption in New York City. In fact, there is no such thing as a good Ninja! Ninjas are raised and trained to kill mercilessly and with pleasure.

Is this a "good" Ninja?

Adolf Hitler, Ninja mastermind.

Ninjas of all nationalities have banded together to create the United Ninjas, with the goal of overthrowing all governments on Earth and ruling the world. When you hear people talk about "black UN helicopters," they’re actually talking about the impending Ninja invasion force!

Recent research has shown that Adolf Hitler was actually a Ninja masterminding a previous Ninja world-takeover attempt, which explains why the Germans and the Japanese were on the same side during World War II.

Aside from trickery, illusion, and the ability to kill instantly without even being seen, the Ninjas’ most powerful weapon is fear. If they frighten us into inaction, they will control us, and we will be but pawns in their evil plans. On the other hand, if we strike back without fear, we can eliminate the Ninja threat and sleep soundly at night, knowing that our children will not be snatched by Ninjas hiding behind trash cans on their way to school, and that our cars will not have Ninja assassins in the back seat.

Does this look familiar?