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Copyright MM-MMI By Moisty Productions - all Rights are reserved. |
E-mail swims through space moisty@pobox.com Is its destiny. |
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The beginning of Frank's expansion
Scene 1.
EXT. FOREST
Over credits, sounds of fighting--squirelly fighting. Guns being shot, nuts being thrown, etc.
SHOCK TROOPER (V.O.)
Aaah! It's Earl, the Incredible Squirrel! We're doomed!
BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)
No! Stand firm, you fools!
EARL (V.O.)
(Defiantly)
<Squeak!>
BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)
Throw down your nuts, Earl--I've got Pearl!
EARL (V.O.)
(Questioning)
<Squeak?>
PEARL (V.O.)
(Heroically)
<Squeak!>
BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)
You see this, Earl? That's right: it's a matter-transformation laser, straight from Psi-Co's labs of death!
EARL (V.O.)
(Despairingly)
<Squeak!>
BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)
Nuts on the ground...and the others. Empty your cheek pouches. That's good. Now back away...I said back away...hey, stay back! Stay back!
EARL (V.O.)
<Squeak!>
A sudden flash of red light.
BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)
Whoa. Uh...let's get of here.
RANDOM SHOCK TROOPER (V.O.)
Move out, men! Double-time!
Stomping boots running fade away into distance. Slowly fade as though returning to consciousness, Earl's POV, low to ground. Camera wiggles as though shaking its head, and looks around carefully, sees a forest recently used as a battleground--burn marks on trees, disturbed earth, bruised and broken bodies litter the ground, both human and squirrel. Occasional squeaks and moans arise from the wounded. Earl stumbles, haltingly, from one squirrel body to the next, checking for life, etc. Eventually he makes his way to the edge of the park.
INT. FRANK'S HOME
Fairly messy home, kids playing video games in the living room, dog yapping. Frank eating breakfast hurriedly before work as his wife sits at the table, paying the bills. He finishes up, grabs his briefcase and suit coat, and heads off to work. On his way out he sees a naked man coming out of the woods, pauses, shakes his head to dislodge thoughts of wonderful nakedness, and continues on to work.
EXT. PARK
Earl stumbles out of the forest and sees an old homeless man sitting on a bench, feeding squirrels, and makes his way slowly toward him. The camera dips toward one of the nuts, munching ensues.
SQUIRREL MAN
Hey! You can't eat those! Those nuts're for squirrels!
We now see Earl as he really is: a nekkid human, hunched over the nuts in traditional squirrel fashion.
EARL
Squeak?
SQUIRREL MAN
Ha! I ain't fallin' for that one again...I know a squirrel when I see one, and you ain't nothin' but a barenekkid hyoo-man! Getcher own durn nuts!
Earl ponders this a moment, looking down at himself curiously.
EARL
Hmm.
He slowly stands erect.
EARL
Well. So I am. How revolting.
We see a reaction shot from the Squirrel Man, disgustedly staring at Earl's naked bits. He grabs a blanket and shoves it at Earl.
SQUIRREL MAN
Here. The nuts are for the squirrels, but a squirrel ain't got no use for clothes. You can use this.
EARL
When in Rome...
He wraps the blanket around himself, toga-style. He looks down at himself, turning around to look at the back, checking all over.
EARL (cont'd)
Eh. This almost hides my grotesque hairlessness, but it'll have to do for now.
SQUIRREL MAN
Well, if you want better, you can always buy ‘em.
EARL
Buy, you say? But I don't have any nuts to exchange!
SQUIRREL MAN
Oh you got nuts to spare, you poor fool. But if you want clothes you're gonna need money. Here's something to start you off.
He gives Earl a dime.
EARL
Ooh! Shiny!
He sticks it in his mouth.
EARL (cont'd)
There's another one!
SQUIRREL MAN
(sighs)
Shameful species, humans. Nothing like my precious squirrels.
He mumbles incoherently and goes back to feeding the squirrels as Earl runs a couple of feet away and grabs a quarter from the grass. He stuffs that in his cheeks as well and squeaks in delight at seeing another one yet another couple of feet away.
EXT. CITY STREETS
Earl runs about the street collecting change and stuffing it into his mouth.
EXT. STREET CORNER
Earl runs by in the background, pausing to pick up a coin and almost getting himself hit by a car in the process. He runs off-camera. Bartholemew is standing there talking into a cell-phone, filing his nails. Next to him stands a pedestrian reading the business section of a newspaper, which has a picture of Bartholemew and the headline reading "Bartholemew Higginsworth Cleared of 73 Counts of Racketeering, Armed Assault."
BARTHOLEMEW
Well tell the senator to wait, I have some business with Meg.
He hangs up.
Pedestrian looks at his newspaper, makes the connection between the picture and Bart, and hurries away.
Bartholemew cackles pompously and walks into a Psi-Co nuts building.
INT. PSI-CO NUTS CORPORATE OFFICE
Barth walks in and into an elevator. A business man stands beside him.
BARTHOLEMEW
Top floor.
The man is about to object until he sees who's talking. He hurriedly pushes the button.
INT. MEG'S INNER SANCTUM
Meg sits in his throne. Balthazar flanks him. Balthazar makes his entrance.
Yes, it's me.
MEG
Excellent. I trust you have your report.
BARTHOLEMEW
The senator was a tad hesitant to accept our proposal at first, but my... persuasive abilities were able to overcome that.
MEG
(warily)
We won't be having a repeat of the Stevens fiasco?
We pan over to see a framed newspaper clipping reading "Goo in alley identified as Congressman Stevens."
BARTHOLEMEW
No no, his fingernails will regrow quickly, but he won't be enjoying the luxuries of solid food for quite some time.
MEG
Fine, fine. Now stop stalling and give me the main report. What about Earl?
BARTHOLEMEW (cont'd)
I'm not stalling. The raid went off with near-perfect success. Earl the Incredible Squirrel will no longer impede the expansion of PsiCo Nuts. Prepare for market domination.
MEG
Oh goody.
Balthazar does not react.
INT. CLOTHING STORE
Cheeks bulging, Earl enters a clothing store. He selects a woman's fur coat and brings it to the cash register. Behind the counter a CHECKER sits watching a television playing the news. The Psi-Co logo is prominently displayed in the corner of the screen. As Earl approaches, the Checker turns off the television and turns to him. She watches warily as he spits change onto the counter.
EARL
I would like to buy this fine fur coat. I have here shiny money with which to compensate for its loss.
CHECKER
Okey-dokey.
EARL
I'm going to wear it. that's what people do, right?
CHECKER
Well, yes. But, are you sure fur is... you?
EARL
You have no idea.
CHECKER
Okaaaay. But you do realize it's a woman's coat?
EARL
Woman's?? Hmm. This is harder than I thought. Wait a sec here.
CHECKER
Umm.
EARL
Well, if males don't wear fur, I'm fresh out of ideas. Why don't you just show me what to buy?
The Checker and Earl pick out a nice suit and tie for Earl. Earl is pleased. They bring it bacxk to the counter, where the Checker looks at the pile of coins.
CHECKER
Is this all you've got?
EARL
Why yes, that's my new horde. Terribly shiny, wouldn't you say?
CHECKER
Well, it's only $12.32. That's not going to cover your clothes.
EARL
But...but...
Earl chirps pathetically, looking unbearably cute in the process. His eyes grow to freakishly cute proportions.
CHECKER
Aww, don't be sad. You're so cuuuute! Aww, it's OK. I'll probably be fired and my three children thrown out into the gutter, but go ahead and take the suit.
EARL
You'd risk total immolation for me? Thanks!
CHECKER
No, fired from my job, and lose all my money.
EARL
Job? Ahh. I get it. I gotta get me one of those. Biya!
INT. VARIOUS OFFICES
A montage of various interviewing sessions with decreasingly savory HR folk. They each turn him down.
INT. OFFICE - LATE MORNING
Earl is at a job interview at Corporation Ltd., a Generico Company. The interviewer is Frank, the general manager, at his large desk decorated with photographs of his family and pets. He looks over Earl's resume and squints while Earl intensely studies Frank's name placard.
FRANK
Okay, so exactly what previous management experience do you have?
EARL
Well, I spent several years managing a large colony of tree-dwelling rodents, so I've got people skills. Well, squirrel skills, really, but I think they'd translate pretty well.
FRANK
Mmm-hmm. Give one word to describe yourself.
EARL
INNNN-credible!
FRANK
If you could be any kind of tree in the forest, what would you be?
EARL
Any kind with nuts. Lots of nuts.
FRANK
Are you over the age of sixteen?
EARL
Um, no.
FRANK
Huh?
EARL
In squirrel years, yes.
FRANK
Now about your references...none of these seem to be...human.
Earl nods. Frank looks blankly at him, shrugs, goes on to next question.
FRANK (cont'd)
Do you have a Social Security number?
EARL
Not as such, no.
FRANK
That's okay, we'll just pencil something in. What do ones do for you?
EARL
Sounds great!
FRANK
Hmm, what kind of special qualifications... uh... qualify you for this job?
EARL
I am able to store up to five pounds of nuts in my cheeks!
FRANK
Well, great.
Frank holds out his hand to shake.
FRANK (cont'd)
Welcome to Corporation Limited!
INT. BOB'S CUBICLE - SLIGHTLY LATER
Bob is lazily rearranging desktop items in his cubicle and sipping coffee. On his computer the screensaver does its thing, also at a lazy pace. Frank and Earl enter.
FRANK
Hey Bob, I'd like you to meet your new cubicle mate, Earl uh, T.I. Squirrel?
EARL
That's Earl THE INCREDIBLE Squirrel.
Odd beat.
EARL
But you can just call me Earl.
Bob nods, takes a sip of his coffee.
FRANK
(A bit discomfited)
Well great. I've got a meeting, so I'll leave you here, Earl, Bob'll show you the ropes. Good to have you on the team!
Frank wanders off, not quite feeling right about the situation.
EARL
So... What exactly do we DO, here, Bob?
BOB
(Pointing)
That's your cubicle over there. Coffee machine's in the break room around the corner.
EARL
Okay. Uh, thanks.
Bob continues to sip his coffee. Earl waits expectantly. Bob drains his cup.
BOB
I'm going to go get some coffee.
Bob stands and wanders off to the coffee machine. Earl looks around confusedly, wanders into the next cubicle. He plays around with the office equipment, plays a few cards in solitaire, whatever.
INT. CORPORATION LTD. BREAK ROOM
Frank is sitting watching the news with a concerned look on his face, holding the Wall Street Journal. In the corner of the screen is a picture of a little old lady being led away in handcuffs.
NEWS ANCHOR
And in economic news, Psi-Co Nuts announced today that they have completed a merger with their primary competitor, Aunt Aethel's Auld-Fashioned Almonds. This is the third takeover this week by Psi-Co...
He flips to another channel, obviously disturbed. He turns to another station as Bob walks in.
FRANK
Hey, uh, Bob, I need you to check the MO2 reports for me. The C79 looked disturbing yesterday. I had to stay late yesterday to fix it up, and you know how Phyllis gets when I'm not home in time for dinner.
BOB
Yeah, okay. I'll look at it.
FRANK
Great, thanks Bob.
(Trying to be motivational)
You da man!
Frank leaves, and Bob begins pouring himself some coffee. He changes the channel on the radio to "Coconut", by Harry Nilsson. Earl walks in and watches Bob pouring his coffee for a moment. He then proceeds to imitate Bob and get himself some. Bob gets a chocolate glazed donut from the table, Earl takes a nut-covered donut.
Montage of Earl following Bob scenes:
1. Playing computer solitaire.
2. Watching TV in the breakroom.
3. Moving papers around in his cubicle.
4. Leaving work early.
5. Sitting in a movie theatre, Bob eating Goobers, Earl eating P-Nuttles in the row behind Bob.
6. Again playing solitaire, Earl pointing out where to put the cards.
INT. CORPORATION LTD. BREAK ROOM
Earl is at the coffee machine, making coffee. Bob is sitting at the table reading a tabloid with the headline "Psi-Co CEO, Meg A. Koorpoorashun: 'I'm Going to Take Over the World, One Nut at a Time!'" Cubert, another random cube-dweller, is sitting there as well, eating a donut. Earl walks over and hands Bob a cup of coffee, keeping one for himself.
EARL
Two sugars, no cream.
Bob grunts in assent. Earl starts to leave, but Frank walks in and stops him.
FRANK
Hey, hold on a sec Earl. Guys, I've got some big news. As of ten o'clock this morning, Corporation Ltd. is now a subsidiary of...a larger company. You guys are going to be seeing some major changes around here, and I just wanted to let you know ahead of time.
EARL
What? We were bought out? By whom?!
FRANK
(Reluctantly)
The Psi-Co Nut company.
CUBERT
Psi-Co?! I hear their CEO is a cross-dressing dominatrix! She'll beat us into submission and then fire us!
BOB
Will coffee still be free?
EARL
(to himself)
Psi-Co? That sounds really familiar...
CUBERT
They're only the most cut-throat nut distributor this side of...of... I don't want to live on the street....
EARL
Which street? Walnut avenue is nice.
FRANK
Now listen guys, Psi-Co may have been getting some bad press, but they're the model of the industry! Meg A. Koorpoorashun is the most powerful CEO in history. Guys--this is the big time! If we play our cards right we could all get promoted!
CUBERT
Yeah, to King of the Winos!
FRANK
C'mon now. Later today there's going to be an inspection by some Psi-Co HR guys, so be sure and look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!
Earl looks startled at that last comment and feels his butt as Frank leaves, kinda surprised not to find a tail.
EARL
(Distracted)
I'm...gonna go take a walk in the park. I'll...I'll be back in a bit.
EXT. CITY STREETS
Earl walks out of Corporation Ltd., walking toward the park. On the way, he notices the ever-increasing number of Psi-Co influences: "A subsidiary of Psi-Co Nuts" on store signs, "I'm Nutty, the Psi-Co Nut! EAT ME!" on the side of buses, etc.
EXT. PARK
The park is roped off by construction workers, all with a psi on their helmets (the Psi-Co logo). In the background, various workers are shaking trees, trying to get nuts out. Earl approaches one of the workers.
EARL
Excuse me...um, what's going on here?
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Sorry, this part of the park's off-limits. You'll have to go somewhere else.
EARL
What? Why?
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
It's now property of Psi-Co Nuts--move along!
The surly worker turns away. Earl sadly heads back to work.
INT. EARL'S CUBICLE
Earl's cubicle, indistinguishable from Bob's, or any other for that matter, except in the strange proliferation of nut paraphernalia strewn about. Bartholemew comes in, looks around, notes that no one is there. He gets angry. Bob walks by, coffee in hand. Bartholemew reaches out and grabs Bob's shirt without looking up from his clipboard. Bob, startled, spills his coffee. In Bob-land, that's a hangin' crime.
BARTHOLEMEW
(Still not looking up)
Whose cubicle is this?
Bob sputters, angry beyond belief, until he realizes who has accosted him thus.
BOB
I dunno.
Bartholemew looks up, pauses, and smacks Bob full across the face.
BOB (cont'd)
Oh, that, that's Earl's.
BARTHOLEMEW
Hmm, away from his desk during business hours. That's definite grounds for immediate dispo--termination.
BOB
Uh.
BARTHOLEMEW
Alright, well, that concludes my redundancy review.
(notes Bob and coffee pointedly)
Ah yes, I almost forgot...Mr. Coffee!
Bartholemew laughs maniacally and leaves as Bob looks vaguely unsettled.
INT. GROCERY STORE
Earl walks into the grocery store and heads directly to the nut aisle. He looks confusedly at there being nothing but Psi-Co products--not a single non-Psi-Co nut to be found. He picks up a bottle and goes to the counter. Beside him is the Time Man(?) of the Year edition, featuring Meg A. Kooroparshun.
Earl looks sad, but plunks over his money and walks out, munching on the nuts.
INT. MEG'S INNER SANCTUM
Meg is holding an issue of the Time magazine emblazoned withhis image.
BARTHOLEMEW
It's a very nice picture. I think its very clear. And you can hardly even tell that... never mind.
MEG
The picture isn't the point here. The point is: MAN???
BARTHOLEMEW
Well, people are bound to wonder, with your name and your, you know...?
MEG
(very high pitched)
My what???
BARTHOLEMEW
Nothing. Look, Hitler was Man of the Year, and didn't even succeed in taking over the world. Hitler's a pansy-boy!
MEG
Yes, well at least Hitler managed to avoid the question mark!
Bartholomew rolls his eyes and looks at a stack of papers in his briefcase. He picks one up.
BARTHOLEMEW
Anyhow, sir, this document requires your immediate inspection.
MEG
Oh? Um, right, okay, give it here.
Bartholemew hands the document to a much calmer Meg.
BARTHOLEMEW
It's the list of all employees of Corporation Limited, or rather, all the expendable ones! But I repeat myself! He he.
Meg stares at him. Bartholemew hands him the paper sheepishly.
MEG
Corporation Limited... doesn't ring a bell.
Looks over at a chart with "Businesses I Could Buy" with a dart sticking out of it. It sticks on Corporation Limited.
MEG
Ah yes, Mr. Dart's pick of the day. Goody.
Meg scans the list.
Bartholemew entertains himself silently. He sneers at Balthazar. Balthazar stares back. Bartholemew stares. They stare at each other. On, and on. Bartholemew can't take it. He's breaking up. Gah! He looks away.
MEG
Frank.. sure....Robert.. I like that.... Cubert... hmm, that's a silly name, I think I'll destroy him utterly... Earl... why don't I... wait a minute! "Earl T.I. Squirrel?"
He gives a sharp look at Bartholemew, who is rubbing his eyes for another go.
MEG (cont'd)
Bartholemew dear, come here.
BARTHOLEMEW
Yes, m-sir?
MEG
Did you read this list before you gave it to me?
BARTHOLEMEW
No sir.
MEG
Then you obviously didn't crossreference these names with those of people supposed to be DEAD!
BARTHOLEMEW
Eh?
MEG
Do you see my finger here?
BARTHOLEMEW
Uh...
MEG
Yes or no?
BARTHOLEMEW
Yeeeeees.
MEG
Now can you see the name located directly adjacent it?
BARTHOLEMEW
Yeees.
MEG
Sound it out for me.
BARTHOLEMEW
Earl T. I. Skweeerell.
MEG
Hmm. That sounds familiar. Ring any bells for you, Bartholemew?
BARTHOLEMEW
Hmm. French is it?
MEG
Balthazar...
BARTHOLEMEW
Wait! It could stand for... uh... Thomas Irvine....
MEG
Did you, in fact, kill Earl at all. In any way?
BARTHOLEMEW
In one way. Earl the Squirrel is gone. Earl... the Man, lives on.
MEG
Ah. I see.
BARTHOLEMEW
Yes, it's kind of a funny story. The lab boys must have accidently switched the Matter Transformation Laser from
"Squirrel into Dead Squirrel" to "Squirrel into Human!" He he.
MEG
So you failed.
BARTHOLEMEW
Well, yes. Even as a human, in the end, he was just too darned squirrely!
MEG
Well that dissappoints me. But, you are my right hand man.
BARTHOLEMEW
Yes!
MEG
Unfortunatly... I am... LEFT HANDED!
Meg holds up a left handed Power Glove (copyright Nintendo 1985)
Meg howls in slo-mo and grabs Bartholemew by the schweets. He lifts him off the ground with girly-man power and hurls him across the room. Barth hits the wall and crumbles, convulsing.
Meg dusts off his Power Glove, arranges his clothes and sits down. He points to Balthazar with his left hand.
MEG (cont'd)
Balthazar, I leave the rest to you.
Balthazar looms.
INT. OFFICE
Earl is asleep at his desk with nuts crammed in his mouth. Frank walks past, notices the slumped figure, and frowns. He clears his throat. Earl twitches. A more pointed cough. No response. Frank carefully, lightly pokes Earl with the butt of a pencil, then draws back quickly as Earl spasms awake, spewing nuts everywhere.
EARL
SQUEEAKK!! Pearl look out! Aahh... Hey Frank...
Earl, embarrassed, wipes his mouth.
FRANK
Are you... getting enough sleep at home?
EARL
Oh, it's just... winter... air conditioning... hibern-... uh, long story.
FRANK
Right... Well I just stopped by to tell you that Psi-Co's new corporate policy requires us to reduce heating costs by 100%, so you might want to invest in a sweater.
EARL
Why would they do that?
FRANK
Well, in the Entrepreneurship Theory night class I'm taking they say that freezing employees will work harder to keep warm... It seems sound, doesn't it?
EARL
I guess I should have bought that fur coat after all... Damn that checker!
He picks up a pencil and adds "Checker" to "Earl's Kill List", posted on his wall. Previously it contained only "Psi-Co Nuts".
INT. MEG'S INNER SANCTUM
A knock at the door.
MEG
Enter.
Meg sitting behind the desk. Frank stands uncomfortably.
MEG
Have a seat, Frank. We have some business to discuss. Would you like some nutcake? Direct from our factory.
Frank pulls up the crummy visitor's chair and sits down. He takes the proffered nutcake and nibbles at it.
FRANK
Mmm, tasty.
MEG
Now Frank, here at Psi-Co Nuts we always take a keen interest in our subsidiary companies. Part of our way of doing that is to make sure that you're as much a part of us as, well, we're the whole of which you're a part.
Frank stops chewing for a moment, unsure of how to proceed.
FRANK
So, uh...
(laughs nervously)
Who would you be, again?
Meg is not amused.
MEG
I happen to be the CEO of Psi-Co Nuts, and your new master!
FRANK
Really? What happened to Meg A. Corporation?
MEG
That's me, you...
(regains control)
It's pronounced Koorporashun.
FRANK
Wait, wait. I'm confused. You're Meg A... You're Meg?
MEG
Yes.
FRANK
But...
MEG
My parents wanted a...
FRANK
Ahh.
MEG
But I'm not a...
FRANK
Gotcha. Wait. Gotcha.
MEG
Yes, well, as you may have noticed, I'm currently without a "right-hand man".
Frank looks over at Balthazar (on Meg's left) and glances at his left and right hands, trying to remember which goes where. He then nods.
FRANK
So I'm going to be what, your personal assistant? To the CEO? Wow!
MEG
Umm, yes. It's a bit of a unique position, but it's a great career opportunity for you and...
FRANK
Great! So what are my new duties?
MEG
Oh, the usual right-hand man, lackey sort of thing. Rackateering, bribery, kidnapping, black-market organ trade, the occasional international terrorism. This all comes with a significant salary increase, of course
Frank is scribbling all this down, looking daunted, but not offended.
FRANK
Alright, got it.
MEG
So I expect you'll get right on top of that, right Frank?
Frank looks back and forth from his notepad to Balthazar and back to Meg, displeased. Balthazar raises his evil eyebrow? Frank falls back in his yes-man training.
FRANK
You can count on me!
INT. OFFICE
Bob and Earl relax and worry about what is to come of their precious dead-end jobs.
EARL
Bob...
BOB
Yeah?
EARL
You busy?
They laugh.
EARL (cont'd)
(serious)
So what do you think?
BOB
‘Bout what?
EARL
Well, you know... Psi-Co, taking over the world, that whole thing.
BOB
(starting Solitaire)
Hmm.
EARL
Well, I've been thinking about it a lot these last couple of hours, and I've come to a difficult conclusion.
BOB
Really.
EARL
I'm going to tell you something, Bob, that may shock you. I've never told anyone and... I'm afraid that it may change things forever...
BOB
Okay.
EARL
You see Bob, "Earl The Incredible Squirrel" isn't just a clever nickname... It's who I am. I think you can guess what I'm about to say.
BOB
(Looking desperately for that 3 of Spades)
Yeah?
EARL
Bob, I was born a squirrel. Until recently I was the Nutfinder General of a large, happy squirrel colony in the park on the edge of town. And now Psi-Co nuts, the very company which I have spent the last few years fighting to protect my kin from their cruel drive to control all the world's nut supplies... Yes, Psi-Co has purchased my newfound haven in the human world. It's put me in a difficult situation, Bob... My conscience can no longer allow me to sit idly by while my former kinfolk are slaughtered in the millions by the very organization from which I now draw my pay-check! The time has come to ACT! Join me in my fight, Bob! I can't promise you riches, I can't promise you glory, but I can promise you one heck of a lot of nuts! Waddayasay, Bob?
BOB
(leaning back triumphantly as the cards bounce around his screen... he nods)
All riiiight.
EARL
(pats Bob on the shoulder as he stands up to go)
Thanks, Bob. I knew I could count on you.
INT. FRANK'S HOME
Frank walks in, carrying a load of books with names like "Henching for Dummies," and "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Henchmen ('cause you don't have to break a sweat to break bones)." He sets them all down at the kitchen table and commences studying. Time passes. Eventually we stop on Frank being quizzed by one of his kids.
FRANK
Is it...erm...I know this one...kill him slowly, without mercy?
KID
No.
FRANK
Oh, then it's...umm...bamboo shoots under the fingernails!
KID
Yeah. Can I have my dollar now?
Frank glances over at one the books lying open on the table. He takes out a dollar and carefully rips it in half.
FRANK
You can have half now, and half when we're done. Next card.
KID
Fine.
(reluctantly droning, reading from a flashcard)
"You're in the back room of a strip joint selling hashish, and the deal goes bad. They've got knives. What do you do?"
FRANK
That's an easy one! Shoot the big one to demoralize the rest, take the money and the merchandise, and leave through the back exit. Next.
KID
"One of your minions is giving you lip."
FRANK
Cut off...no. Make him drink his own urine. Alright, let's go back to the entrapment and extortion laws.
The kid sighs.
INT. EARL'S CUBICLE
Earl is at his desk. Frank walks in carrying a crowbar and a clipboard.
FRANK
Earl, I've got beef with you.
He checks off something on the clipboard.
EARL
No thanks. Herbivore.
FRANK
Uhhh.. Wait a sec.
Frank checks his clipboard. He adopts a mean stance.
FRANK
(menacingly)
We can do this two.. yeah two ways. The easy way, or ... uh, the hard way.
Frank shakes his crowbar at that last bit.
EARL
Yeah?
FRANK
And the hard way won't be very nice. No sirree.
EARL
I gathered.
FRANK
Well?
EARL
Oh. Uh, I chose the easy way.
FRANK
Very well. I am dissappointed.
He puts the crowbar away and starts frantically flipping through pages.
EARL
Take your time.
Frank points at something in his list.
FRANK
(reading)
Your kind ain't appreciated in these parts no mo.
(beat)
Crap!
Flips more.
EARL
Are you firing me?
FRANK
Wait a second!
EARL
Sure.
Frank flips back to his original page and picks up the crowbar.
FRANK
The hard way, huh? I didn't want to do this, but you asked fore it!! Now git! Before I use the hooked end!!
EARL
You ARE firing me! What the heck?
Frank opens his mouth, thinks better of it, prods Earl with the crowbar.
EARL
Fine! Cut it out.
He begins to gather his stuff, but stops and turns on Frank.
EARL
You've become one of them. You've sold your soul to the evil empire! It's not too late, Frank! Rage against the nut-factory!
FRANK
Hooked end!
Earl sighs and gathers his stuff again.
FRANK
That is now property of Psi-Co Nuts.
EARL
Jerk!
FRANK
Just doing my job, Earl.
Earl sticks his stuff in his cheeks.
Frank's brow furrows and flips through his list.
FRANK
(muttering)Cheeks....cheeks...(shrugs) Okay.
Earl leaves.
EXT. CORPORATION LTD. BREAK ROOM
Earl is leaving, his spiritual tail between his legs.
EARL
Well, so much for subverting Psi-Co from the inside. That's okay, I'm not much of a mole.
Earl looks out into the park, and sees the deforestation.
EXT. FOREST
Earl wanders.
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