Earlvolution

Scene 1.

EXT. FOREST

Over credits, sounds of fighting--squirelly fighting. Guns being shot, nuts being thrown, etc.

SHOCK TROOPER (V.O.)

Aaah! It's Earl, the Incredible Squirrel! We're doomed!

BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)

No! Stand firm, you fools!

EARL (V.O.)

(Defiantly)

<Squeak!>

BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)

Throw down your nuts, Earl--I've got Pearl!

EARL (V.O.)

(Questioning)

<Squeak?>

PEARL (V.O.)

(Heroically)

<Squeak!>

BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)

You see this, Earl? That's right: it's a matter-transformation laser, straight from Psi-Co's labs of death!

EARL (V.O.)

(Despairingly)

<Squeak!>

BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)

Nuts on the ground...and the others. Empty your cheek pouches. That's good. Now back away...I said back away...hey, stay back! Stay back!

EARL (V.O.)

<Squeak!>

A sudden flash of red light.

BARTHOLEMEW (V.O.)

Whoa. Uh...let's get of here.

RANDOM SHOCK TROOPER (V.O.)

Move out, men! Double-time!

Stomping boots running fade away into distance. Slowly fade as though returning to consciousness, Earl's POV, low to ground. Camera wiggles as though shaking its head, and looks around carefully, sees a forest recently used as a battleground--burn marks on trees, disturbed earth, bruised and broken bodies litter the ground, both human and squirrel. Occasional squeaks and moans arise from the wounded. Earl stumbles, haltingly, from one squirrel body to the next, checking for life, etc. Eventually he makes his way to the edge of the park.

INT. FRANK'S HOME

Fairly messy home, kids playing video games in the living room, dog yapping. Frank eating breakfast hurriedly before work as his wife sits at the table, paying the bills. He finishes up, grabs his briefcase and suit coat, and heads off to work. On his way out he sees a naked man coming out of the woods, pauses, shakes his head to dislodge thoughts of wonderful nakedness, and continues on to work.

EXT. PARK

Earl stumbles out of the forest and sees an old homeless man sitting on a bench, feeding squirrels, and makes his way slowly toward him. The camera dips toward one of the nuts, munching ensues.

SQUIRREL MAN

Hey! You can't eat those! Those nuts for squirrels!

We now see Earl as he really is: a nekkid human, hunched over the nuts in traditional squirrel fashion.

EARL

Squeak?

SQUIRREL MAN

Ha! I ain't fallin' for that one again...I know a squirrel when I see one, and you ain't nothin' but a barenekkid human! Get yer own darn nuts!

Earl ponders this a moment, looking down at himself curiously.

EARL

Hmm.

He slowly stands erect.

EARL

Well. So I am. How revolting.

We see a reaction shot from the Squirrel Man, disgustedly staring at Earl's naked bits. He grabs a blanket and shoves it at Earl.

SQUIRREL MAN

Here. The nuts are for the squirrels, but a squirrel ain't got no use for clothes. You can use this.

EARL

When in Rome...

He wraps the blanket around himself, toga-style. He looks down at himself, turning around to look at the back, checking all over.

EARL (cont'd)

Eh. This almost hides my grotesque hairlessness, but it'll have to do for now.

SQUIRREL MAN

You know, if you want better clothes, you can always buy ‘em.

EARL

Buy, you say? But I don't have any nuts to buy anything with!

SQUIRREL MAN

What? You crazier'n me, boy! You don't use nuts to buy stuff...you gotta use money! See? Like this.

He gives Earl a dime.

EARL

Ooh! Shiny!

He sticks it in his mouth.

EARL (cont'd)

There's another one!

SQUIRREL MAN

Eh?

He mumbles incoherently and goes back to feeding the squirrels as Earl runs a couple of feet away and grabs a quarter from the grass. He stuffs that in his cheeks as well and squeaks in delight at seeing another one yet another couple of feet away.

EXT. CITY STREETS

Earl runs about the street collecting change and stuffing it into his mouth.

EXT. STREET CORNER

Earl runs by in the background, pausing to pick up a coin and almost getting himself hit by a car in the process. He runs off-camera. Bartholemew is standing there talking into a cell-phone, filing his nails. Next to him stands a pedestrian reading the business section of a newspaper, which has a picture of Bartholemew and the headline reading "Bartholemew Higginsworth Cleared of 73 Counts of Racketeering, Armed Assault."

BARTHOLEMEW

Transfer me to the CEO immediatly.

Pause.

BARTHOLEMEW (cont'd)

Yes, it's me. Shall I give my report? The senator was a tad hesitant at first, but my persuasive abilities were able to overcome that.

The pedestrian walks up and stand next to him, too close for Bartholemew's comfort. Bartholemew listens to something on the phone while glancing at the ped annoyedly.

BARTHOLEMEW (cont'd)

(pointedly at the pedestrian)

Well the fingernails will regrow quickly, but he won't be enjoying the luxuries of solid food for quite some time.

Pedestrian looks at his newspaper, makes the connection between the picture and Bart, and hurries away.

BARTHOLEMEW (cont'd)

No, I'm not stalling, the raid went off with near-perfect success. Yes. Earl the Incredible Squirrel will no longer impede the expansion of PsiCo Nuts. Prepare for market domination.

Bartholemew cackles pompously.

INT. CLOTHING STORE

Cheeks bulging, Earl enters a clothing store. He selects a woman's fur coat and brings it to the cash register. Behind the counter a CHECKER sits watching a television playing the news. The Psi-Co logo is prominently displayed in the corner of the screen. As Earl approaches, the Checker turns off the television and turns to him. She watches warily as he spits change onto the counter.

EARL

I would like to buy this fine fur coat. I have here shiny money with which to compensate for its loss.

CHECKER

Uhh, are you sure that coat is...you?

EARL

You have no idea.

CHECKER

But...it is a woman's coat you understand?

EARL

Woman's?? Hmm. This is harder than I thought. Wait a sec here.

CHECKER

Umm.

EARL

Well, if male's don't wear fur, why don't you just show me what to buy?

The Checker and Earl pick out a nice suit and tie for Earl. Earl is pleased. They bring it bacxk to the counter, where the Checker looks at the pile of coins.

CHECKER

Is this all you've got?

EARL

Why yes, that's my new horde. Terribly shiny, wouldn't you say?

CHECKER

Well, it's only $12.32. That's not going to cover your clothes.

EARL

But...but...

Earl chirps pathetically, looking unbearably cute in the process.

CHECKER

Aww, don't be sad. You're so cuuuute! Aww, it's OK. I'll probably be fired and my three children thrown out into the gutter, but go ahead and take the suit.

EARL

You'd risk total immolation for me? Thanks!

CHECKER

No, fired from my job, and lose all my money.

EARL

Job? Ahh. I get it. I gotta get me one of those. Biya!

INT. VARIOUS OFFICES

A montage of various interviewing sessions with decreasingly savory HR folk. They each turn him down.

That's your cubicle over there. Coffee machine's in the break room around the corner.

Bob continues to sip his coffee. Earl waits expectantly. Bob drains his cup.

BOB

I'm going to go get some coffee.

Bob stands and wanders off to the coffee machine. Earl looks around confusedly, wanders into the next cubicle. He plays around with the office equipment, plays a few cards in solitaire, whatever.

INT. CORPORATION LTD. BREAK ROOM

Frank is sitting listening to the news with a concerned look on his face, holding the Wall Street Journal.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

And in economic news, Psi-Co Nuts announced today that they have completed a merger with their primary competitor, Aunt Ethel's Old-Fashioned Almonds. This is the third takeover this week by Psi-Co...

He flips to another channel, obviously disturbed. He turns to another station as Bob walks in.

FRANK

Hey, uh, Bob, I need you to check the MO2 reports for me. The C79 looked disturbing yesterday. I had to stay late yesterday to fix it up, and you know how Phyllis gets when I'm not home in time for dinner.

BOB

Yeah, okay. I'll look at it.

FRANK

Great, thanks Bob.

(Trying to be motivational)

You da man!

Frank leaves, and Bob begins pouring himself some coffee. He changes the channel on the radio to "Coconut", by Harry Nilsson. Earl walks in and watches Bob pouring his coffee for a moment. He then proceeds to imitate Bob and get himself some. Bob gets a chocolate glazed donut from the table, Earl takes a nut-covered donut.

Montage of Earl following Bob scenes:

1. Playing computer solitaire.

2. Watching TV in the breakroom.

3. Moving papers around in his cubicle.

4. Leaving work early.

5. Sitting in a movie theatre, Bob eating Goobers, Earl eating P-Nuttles in the row behind Bob.

6. Again playing solitaire, Earl pointing out where to put the cards.

INT. CORPORATION LTD. BREAK ROOM

Earl is at the coffee machine, making coffee. Bob is sitting at the table reading a tabloid with the headline "Psi-Co CEO, Meg A. Koorpoorashun: 'I'm Going to Take Over the World, One Nut at a Time!'" Cubert, another random cube-dweller, is sitting there as well, eating a donut. Earl walks over and hands Bob a cup of coffee, keeping one for himself.

EARL

Two sugars, no cream.

Bob grunts in assent. Earl starts to leave, but Frank walks in and stops him.

FRANK

Hey, hold on a sec Earl. Guys, I've got some big news. As of ten o'clock this morning, Corporation Ltd. is now a subsidiary of...a larger company. You guys are going to be seeing some major changes around here, and I just wanted to let you know ahead of time.

EARL

What? We were bought out? By whom?!

FRANK

(Reluctantly)

The Psi-Co Nut company.

CUBERT

Psi-Co?! I hear their CEO is a cross-dressing dominatrix!

BOB

Will coffee still be free?

EARL

(to himself)

Psi-Co? That sounds really familiar...

CUBERT

They're only the most cut-throat nut distributor this side of...of...

FRANK

Now listen guys, Psi-Co may have been getting some bad press, but they're the model of the industry! Meg A. Koorpoorashun is the most powerful CEO in history. Guys--this is the big time! If we play our cards right we could all get promoted!

CUBERT

Yeah, to King of the Winos!

FRANK

C'mon now. Later today there's going to be an inspection by some Psi-Co HR guys, so be sure and look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!

Earl looks startled at that last comment and feels his butt as Frank leaves, kinda surprised not to find a tail.

EARL

(Distracted)

I'm...gonna go take a walk in the park. I'll...I'll be back in a bit.

EXT. CITY STREETS

Earl walks out of Corporation Ltd., walking toward the park. On the way, he notices the ever-increasing number of Psi-Co influences: "A subsidiary of Psi-Co Nuts" on store signs, "Eat Psi-Co!" on the side of buses, etc.

INT. GROCERY STORE

Earl walks into the grocery store and heads directly to the nut aisle. He looks confusedly at there being nothing but Psi-Co products--not a single non-Psi-Co nut to be found. He picks up a bottle and goes to the counter.

Earl looks sad, but plunks over his money and walks out, munching on the nuts.

EXT. PARK

The park is roped off by construction workers, all with a psi on their helmets (the Psi-Co logo). In the background, various workers are shaking trees, trying to get nuts out. Earl approaches one of the workers.

EARL

Excuse me...um, what's going on here?

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

Sorry, this part of the park's off-limits. You'll have to go somewhere else.

EARL

What? Why?

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

It's now property of Psi-Co Nuts--move along!

The surly worker turns away. Earl sadly heads back to work.