Earlvolution

Scene 1.

INT. OFFICE - LATE MORNING

Earl is at a job interview at Corporation Ltd., a Generico Company. The interviewer is Frank, the general manager, at his large desk decorated with photographs of his family and pets. He looks over Earl's resume and squints while Earl intensely studies Frank's name placard.

FRANK

Okay, so exactly what previous management experience do you have?

EARL

Well, I spent several years managing a large colony of tree-dwelling rodents, so I've got people skills. Well, squirrel skills, really, but I think they'd translate pretty well.

FRANK

Mmm-hmm. Give one word to describe yourself.

EARL

INNNN-credible!

FRANK

If you could be any kind of tree in the forest, what would you be?

EARL

Any kind with nuts. Lots of nuts.

FRANK

Are you over the age of sixteen?

EARL

Um, no.

FRANK

Huh?

EARL

In squirrel years, yes.

FRANK

Now about your references...none of these seem to be...human.

Earl nods. Interviewer looks blankly, shrugs, goes on to next question.

FRANK (cont'd)

Do you have a Social Security number?

EARL

Not as such, no.

FRANK

That's okay, we'll just pencil something in. What do ones do for you?

EARL

Sounds great!

FRANK

Hmm, what kind of special qualifications... uh... qualify you for this job?

EARL

I am able to store up to five pounds of nuts in my cheeks!

INTERVIEWER

Well, great.

The interviewer holds out his hand to shake.

INTERVIEWER (cont'd)

Welcome to Corporation Limited!

INT. BOB'S CUBICLE - SLIGHTLY LATER

Bob is lazily rearranging desktop items in his cubicle and sipping coffee. On his computer the screensaver does its thing, also at a lazy pace. Frank and Earl enter.

FRANK

Hey Bob, I'd like you to meet your new cubicle mate, Earl uh, T.I. Squirrel?

EARL

That's Earl THE INCREDIBLE Squirrel.

Odd beat.

EARL

But you can just call me Earl.

Bob nods, takes a sip of his coffee.

FRANK

(A bit discomfited)

Well great. I've got a meeting, so I'll leave you here, Earl, Bob'll show you the ropes. Good to have you on the team!

Frank wanders off, not quite feeling right about the situation.

EARL

So... What exactly do we DO, here, Bob?

BOB

(Pointing)

That's your cubicle over there. Coffee machine's around the corner.

EARL

Okay. Uh, thanks.

Bob continues to sip his coffee. Earl waits expectantly. Bob drains his cup.

BOB

I'm going to go get some coffee.

Bob stands and wanders off to the coffee machine. Earl looks around confusedly, wanders into the next cubicle.

INT. MEG'S OFFICE

Meg's POV. Knock at the door.

MEG

Enter.

Bartholemew enters.

MEG (cont'd)

Ah, Bartholemew Fenwick Higginsworth, my most trusted advisor and right-hand man... You have come to report on your assignments, yes?

BARTHOLEMEW

I have. Our purchase of Corporation Ltd., formerly a subsidiary of GeneriCo, has been approved by both the stockholders and the Federal Trade Commission. We await only your signature as President and CEO of Psi-Co Nuts Corporation and our acquisition will be complete!

MEG

Excellent! Psi-Co's domination of the world nut market is now assured... That is, if you took care of the... Other matter?

BARTHOLEMEW

(Nervous)

Ah, that. I achieved the objectives with near-perfect success.

MEG

Then Earl the Incredible Squirrel... is dead?

BARTHOLEMEW

Well, as good as! Quite to your satisfaction I've no doubt!

MEG

Explain yourself, Bartholemew.

BARTHOLEMEW

Well, while Earl the Incredible Squirrel is no more... Earl the Man is alive and kicking.

MEG

(Disappointed sigh)

I'm disappointed in you, Bartholemew.

BARTHOLEMEW

(panicky)

There was an error in the calculations for the matter-transformation laser! The "Squirrel into Dead Squirrel" equation in the specifications somehow got mixed up with a "Squirrel into Man" equation from an intern's research project. I assure, all responsible have been sacked!

MEG

Bartholemew, Bartholemew... His Incredible Squirrel powers were what rendered him invulnerable. As a man, surely he should have posed no difficulty to YOU?

BARTHOLEMEW

(weeping)

He was able to evade our every attack... Even as a man he was JUST... TOO... SQUIRRELLY!

MEG

That's all right, Bartholemew. You're still my right-hand man.

Bart glances up with a last glimmer of hope from his fetal position on the floor.

MEG

Unfortunately, I am left-handed. BALTHAZAR!

Focus in on the look of terror on Bartholemew's face as he looks to the door... Pan up to see Balthazar's looming visage as he cracks his knuckles.

EXT. SQUIRREL'S REPUBLIC OF NUTTIA - DREAM

Crazy squirrelly stuff. Squirrel revolution... fighting humans... getting nuts... Pearl the Flying Girl Squirrel... Bartholemew shooting a LASER!!!

INT. EARL'S CUBICLE

Earl wakes up with a start in his cubicle as Bob nudges his shoulder. Half-chewed nuts spew from his mouth.

EARL

Aahhh!!!!

BOB

Hey, did you fall asleep?

EARL

Uhh, instinctive response... winter, air conditioning, hibernation, long story.

BOB

Huh.

Pause as Earl wipes some more nuts off his person casually.

BOB

You going to the merger ceremony?

EARL

Merger?

BOB

Hmm.

Bob sips coffee, walks off.

INT. CUBICLE LAND - THAT AFTERNOON

Earl pops out into the hall, looks about. No one there... But some nice printed signs saying "MERGER SIGNING/CEREMONY ---> 2:00 pm. Free nut cake!"

EARL

(to self)

Nut cake? Gotta get me a piece of that...

He scurries off in the direction of the sign.

INT. MEETING ROOM

Close-up on contract. Frank signs his signature, then slides it over as we pan over to the second signature line - for one Meg A. Koorpoorashun... Meg signs. Puts the pen down. C/U on handshake, pull back to reveal Meg and Frank shakin'.

MEG

Welcome to Psi-Co, Frank!

FRANK

It's good to sell out to you, uh... Wait a minute, I'm confused.

He glances back at the signature.

FRANK (cont'd)

YOU're Meg?

MEG

Yesss...

FRANK

I thought you were a...

MEG

(gritting teeth)

DON'T say it!

Balthazar looks menacing.

MEG

My parents wanted a...

FRANK

Oh. Sorry...

MEG

But I'm not!

FRANK

Okay, uh... Mister? Corporation?

MEG

Koor-POOR-a-shun, yes.

FRANK

Great! Everybody, let's cut the nut cake!

INT. FRANK'S OFFICE

Meg and Frank enter with their little paper plates of cake in hand. Balthazar is already standing menacingly in a corner.

Meg sits down in Frank's chair. Frank stands uncomfortably.

MEG

Have a seat, Frank. We have some business to discuss.

Frank pulls up the crummy visitor's chair and sits down. He glances furtively at his name placard and nibbles at his nutcake. Meg takes the placard and turns it around.

MEG

Now Frank, here at Psi-Co Nuts we always take a keen interest in our subsidiary companies. Part of our way of doing that is to make sure that you're as much a part of us as, well, we're the whole of which you're a part.

Frank stops chewing for a moment, unsure of how to proceed.

FRANK

(mouth full)

Mmm-kay?

MEG

Yes well as you may have noticed, I'm currently without a "right-hand man".

Frank looks over at Balthazar (on Meg's left) and glances at his left and right hands, trying to remember which goes where. He then nods.

FRANK

So I'm going to be what, your personal assistant? To the CEO? Wow!

MEG

Umm, yes. It's a bit of a unique position, but it's a great career opportunity for you and...

FRANK

Absolutely, yes! I'm very excited! So exactly what will this... entail?

MEG

Well, you'll be my chief enforcer...

FRANK

Enforcer, check...

MEG

...You'll handle all the rackets, you'll be responsible for bribing the officials, corporate espionage, strongarming, loansharking...

FRANK

(trying to jot this all down, a bit confused and upset)

Loansharking?

MEG

...blackmarket operations and, when profitable, international terrorism. Of course, murder and assassination go without saying.

FRANK

Umm, right...

MEG

So I expect you'll get right on top of that, right Frank?

Frank looks back and forth from his notepad to Balthazar and back to Meg, displeased. Balthazar raises his evil eyebrow?

MEG

Frank? You're not going to let me down, are you?

FRANK

Absolutely! Uhhh, not!

INT. MEETING ROOM

Frank and Bob.